SM Relationships: Why Submissive Isn't Always Sexy by Tanonymous

SM Relationships: Why Submissive Isn't Always Sexy

By the clear definitions of SM logic, dominants are attracted to submissives and vice versa. Right? So you should walk right up to the studly or butchalicious object of your masochistic lust and grovel piteously at their spit-shined boots. This is a good way to prove what a humble slave you are and thereby make yourself irresistibly attractive in the dominant's merciless eyes. Bzzt. Wrong. If you do this in a Wal-Mart, you will make of yourself a very silly spectacle. If you do this in a leatherbar, you have a better chance of getting what you want out of the encounter - if what you want is a bar quickie. For some very good reasons, you can risk permanently turning off the dominant in question if they're looking for a sane adult partner for a long term relationship as opposed to a fast fantasy encounter. Believe it or not, even the studliest dominants tend to have some fairly ordinary standards as to the human beings they wish to play with and associate with - at least in the long term. Their criteria for selecting a submissive play partner is much like their criteria for entering into any relationship, whether that's a business relationship, a friendship or a romantic partnership. In short, they'd like to spend time with people who have their shit together, are emotionally stable, self supporting, healthy, etc. In other words, reasonably self-actualized human beings. Grovelling to a stranger on the basis of their really butch leather outfit might be cute in the short term, but it might not be the world's best advertisement for you as a sane and stable adult who wants to enter a serious D/s relationship. Also, some dominants might have ethical issues playing with a person who was perpetually in this kind of emotional state - how real is his consent, and how healthy is it?

Somebody who approaches me with a friendly and polite smile and a "Hello, Sir/Ma'am, it's nice to meet you. If you'd like to play, I'd be happy to negotiate a scene with you where I am submissive," is a lot likelier to get a positive response than somebody who cringes and crawls up to me with, "Hi. I am the scum of the earth. I'm a terrible person. I don't like myself very much. Punish me for being so bad." A strong, self-actualized person who is emotionally healthy and stable and who likes himself, who is comfortable with his sexuality and his orientation, is an attractive play partner and friend. Someone who does not like himself, is conflicted and guilty, who has low self esteem, who seems terribly needy, wimpy, grovelling, etc, is not usually considered attractive. The former is a healthy mutual transaction, and varying degrees of dominance and submission as well as SM play can be negotiated from that point. The latter strikes me as potentially getting involved in a situation that is really emotionally unhealthy. It may be that the person who approaches me in the latter way is actually already deep into his "slave" persona and in his everyday life is healthy and well adjusted, but I have no way of knowing that. If he starts out talking to me in this state of mind, I never get to see the mentally competent, emotionally stable adult who gives meaningful consent to being submissive. And that is a major problem in my book; I need to know that I'm participating in a healthy mutual transaction between consenting adults, not being used to further a genuinely self-destructive, emotionally unhealthy impulse. When you first approach the dom-of-your-dreams, there's always going to be a fine line between polite and submissive, deferential and annoyingly co- dependent. If you already know his or her preferences, you can act accordingly. If you don't, it's smart to start out with basic courtesy and keep your eyes and ears open for cues that will tell you what you should be doing next. On your knees right off, or out for coffee and chat? Only time will tell, and appropriate sensitivity to your partner's needs and desires.