Christian women oppose stockings....

A group of Southern Baptist women has called upon manufacturers of panty hose and other clothing to discontinue usage of the word "nude" as a color. The group, led by Henrietta Simms (wife of the Right Reverend Jedediah Simms of the First Southern Baptist Church of Athens, Georgia) feels that the word "nude" carries negative descriptions and connotations and is "of the devil."

From her home at the parsonage in the Hide-A-Way Trailer Park in Athens, Henrietta offered the following explanations:

"We've got lots of problems with the using of that there devil word."

"Firstly, young and impressionable boys might see that word and it could lead them to unclean and impure thoughts about girls who wear the product. They already have enough temptation in this world with swimsuit issues and internet porn to have to worry about whether the teenage girl next door is putting onnude panty hose."

"Secondly, there's the young girls themselves. These girls start wearing hose when they start puberty. Do we want our young, innocent, virginal girls thinking that the boys can see clear through their dresses and panties just because they are wearing nude panty hose (that their mothers bought them)? It almost seems like we are putting this impression in their minds."

"Thirdly, how many young couples in a night of frantic passion (hopefully on their honeymoons) do not remove these nude panty hose because they think it is natural and they won't get in the way?"

"Fourthly, we think that the word nude should be removed in favor of the term normal white folks' skin tone. Adam and Eve commanded to cover their nakedness. Wearing nude panty hose makes it seem like you are breaking a commandment."

"We also think that there should be no nude coloring on bras or panties. This is wrong for all of the reasons that I just explained. Besides, proper Christian women only wear pure, white undergarments and it would be a sin to wear anything else (unless you are a little girl in cartoon panties)."