BDSM friendly psychotherapists.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

SM Relationships: Why Submissive Isn't Always Sexy by Tanonymous

SM Relationships: Why Submissive Isn't Always Sexy

By the clear definitions of SM logic, dominants are attracted to submissives and vice versa. Right? So you should walk right up to the studly or butchalicious object of your masochistic lust and grovel piteously at their spit-shined boots. This is a good way to prove what a humble slave you are and thereby make yourself irresistibly attractive in the dominant's merciless eyes. Bzzt. Wrong. If you do this in a Wal-Mart, you will make of yourself a very silly spectacle. If you do this in a leatherbar, you have a better chance of getting what you want out of the encounter - if what you want is a bar quickie. For some very good reasons, you can risk permanently turning off the dominant in question if they're looking for a sane adult partner for a long term relationship as opposed to a fast fantasy encounter. Believe it or not, even the studliest dominants tend to have some fairly ordinary standards as to the human beings they wish to play with and associate with - at least in the long term. Their criteria for selecting a submissive play partner is much like their criteria for entering into any relationship, whether that's a business relationship, a friendship or a romantic partnership. In short, they'd like to spend time with people who have their shit together, are emotionally stable, self supporting, healthy, etc. In other words, reasonably self-actualized human beings. Grovelling to a stranger on the basis of their really butch leather outfit might be cute in the short term, but it might not be the world's best advertisement for you as a sane and stable adult who wants to enter a serious D/s relationship. Also, some dominants might have ethical issues playing with a person who was perpetually in this kind of emotional state - how real is his consent, and how healthy is it?

Somebody who approaches me with a friendly and polite smile and a "Hello, Sir/Ma'am, it's nice to meet you. If you'd like to play, I'd be happy to negotiate a scene with you where I am submissive," is a lot likelier to get a positive response than somebody who cringes and crawls up to me with, "Hi. I am the scum of the earth. I'm a terrible person. I don't like myself very much. Punish me for being so bad." A strong, self-actualized person who is emotionally healthy and stable and who likes himself, who is comfortable with his sexuality and his orientation, is an attractive play partner and friend. Someone who does not like himself, is conflicted and guilty, who has low self esteem, who seems terribly needy, wimpy, grovelling, etc, is not usually considered attractive. The former is a healthy mutual transaction, and varying degrees of dominance and submission as well as SM play can be negotiated from that point. The latter strikes me as potentially getting involved in a situation that is really emotionally unhealthy. It may be that the person who approaches me in the latter way is actually already deep into his "slave" persona and in his everyday life is healthy and well adjusted, but I have no way of knowing that. If he starts out talking to me in this state of mind, I never get to see the mentally competent, emotionally stable adult who gives meaningful consent to being submissive. And that is a major problem in my book; I need to know that I'm participating in a healthy mutual transaction between consenting adults, not being used to further a genuinely self-destructive, emotionally unhealthy impulse. When you first approach the dom-of-your-dreams, there's always going to be a fine line between polite and submissive, deferential and annoyingly co- dependent. If you already know his or her preferences, you can act accordingly. If you don't, it's smart to start out with basic courtesy and keep your eyes and ears open for cues that will tell you what you should be doing next. On your knees right off, or out for coffee and chat? Only time will tell, and appropriate sensitivity to your partner's needs and desires.

Topping, Bottoming, Subspace, and Consent by Tanonymous

Topping, Bottoming, Subspace, and Consent

I distinguish two different modes of scene play - SM or sensation play which is topping and bottoming, and DS, which is dominating and submitting. In topping and bottoming, sensation play, SM, etc, without a strong DS component, the bottom often bears at least 50% of the responsibility for communicating, setting limits and discussing likes, dislikes and issues around the scene that is happening even while it is happening. That is a perfectly valid mode of play, and in fact the one I most commonly engage in as a casual top. For me, and for many other people I have had discussions with, subspace is a wholly different place to be, and the responsibility (indeed, the literal ability) to speak up and change something that isn't working shifts much more heavily to the dominant. A person deep in subspace may not be easily able to object to your renegotiating or reinterpreting the limits they stated when they were in their normal, thinking adult persona. As a dominant, I am *very* careful to stick to the limits I discussed with the thinking adult persona when I have any reason to believe that his consent from subspace would not be meaningful to his normal personality. I've run into this situation too many times not to be wary, and also I know what it feels like from the other side. I think that it is important for players to discuss clearly beforehand how much responsibility might or might not shift to the dominant to protect the sub and enforce the normal persona's stated limits even if deep subspace can make the lines of current consent blurry. If you are a dominant and you attempt to renegotiate the limits of a scene while your partner is in subspace, the consent you get may not be meaningful and may be deeply regretted by your partner in the morning. It is the ethical equivalent of pressuring someone who is drunk or stoned to have sex with you, even though you know they did not consent to this before their judgement was chemically altered. Subspace is effectively an altered state of consciousness, even if it is arrived at without the help of any chemicals outside of the body's own natural endorphins. A responsible dominant understands this and should not attempt to alter an earlier agreement about limits that was made while hir partner retained sane, sober adult judgement.

Humiliation and SM by Tanonymous

Humiliation and SM

The degree to which you can be damaged by verbal abuse is generally agreed to depend on your own emotional stability, the degree of intimacy you have with the individual who offers the negative comments and what value you assign hir words internally. The possibility (even probability) exists for verbal abuse and humiliation to cause long term psychological damage if the negative expressions are internalized consistently with an unhealthy self-image. The key here is how the individual who is on the recieving end of this psychological edgeplay percieves and internalizes the situation. These facts are concurred to among professionals in the mental health community. An individual with strong codependent tendencies who is verbally abused, especially by a spouse, close friend, lover or co-worker may internalize and accept the negative expressions as valid judgements of hir self worth. Such an individual should probably not engage in psychological edgeplay such as humiliation or verbal degradation, as sie is not healthy or strong enough to participate without great risk of harm or damage.

An individual who is not codependent and who has a strong and well developed sense of self worth and self esteem is more likely to react to verbal abuse from anyone, regardless of their level of intimacy or believability, with consistent internal rejection - *even if the experience is deliberately sought out and eroticized*. The negative expressions are not internalized and are not consistent with hir self image. The emotionally stable individual is not likely to suffer any significant alteration to hir psyche as a result of such experiences. Such an individual is a good candidate to participate harmlessly in fantasy roleplaying games which may involve elements of humiliation or verbal harshness. Sie understands at a core emotional level that even if sie is called harsh names as part of playing out a fantasy role or to emphasize an eroticized power imbalance, these names do not reflect on hir personal worth in reality as a human being. No harm or damage occurs; the game or role is played out to its conclusion with no long term effects.

Love this video...Wish our society were open enough to do this in public

Free Fetish Porn VideosMobile Porn on DrTuber.com